Ask Professor Gargoyle: Advice for Young Teens

Lovecraft Middle School students have questions. Our resident Lovecraftian demon has the answers! If you would like to e-mail a question to Professor Gargoyle, fill out the form here, and he’ll try to answer in this space in the near future.

Dear Professor Gargoyle,

Ever since I turned twelve, my skin has been breaking out. It’s embarrassing, and I don’t want to leave my house. Can you recommend a good pimple remedy?

Acned in Arkham

Dear Acned,

The sudden apparition of pustules on your skin suggests you may be turning into a shoggoth, a hideous amoeba-like creature about the size of a subway train that dwells in the subterranean caverns beneath Antarctica. My advice? Instead of smearing pimple creams all over your body, you should embrace your new form and resign yourself to a life of manual labor in service of the Elder Things.

Dear Professor Gargoyle,

I have two friends who I want to invite to my birthday party. They don’t like each other, but both of them are my friends. What should I do?

Confused in Concord

Dear Confused,

I am an ageless winged demon created by the Great Old Ones and imbued with their vast knowledge. This “birthday” rite of yours is unknown to me. The only day I celebrate is the one on which I place you in thrall to my Master. I’m afraid can offer you little in the way of succor for your predicament.

On second thought, perhaps you could sit them at separate tables?

Dear Professor Gargoyle,

I like this boy in my class and I don't know what to do. I don't even know him very well but I think he's cute. I get really angry when I see other girls flirting with him. What should I do?

Crushed and Confused

Dear Crushed,

Though the breadth of my ancient power dwarfs the size of your human "feelings," I appreciate your desire to avoid despair. I suggest luring these “other girls” to the nearest alternate dimension, where they will be promptly enslaved in a lifetime of servitude to the Great Old Ones. Then you will be free to enjoy Earth’s few remaining days with the human companion of your choice.

Professor Gargoyle